I am unsure what i want to talk about on here, and think it will vary hugely.

i love that it doesnt matter what i write, that i have no one to impress or  embarrass or any other such negative repercussions.

you may also notice that i cant spell - and frankly cant be bothered with spell check.

Life is a funny old thing, we are hear but for a millisecond in the scheme of things, and although we like to think we matter -

and i know i improve peoples lifes through my wonderful, mysterious delightful therapy - deep deep down, it doesnt matter

that is nt to say i dont love life, i do! i love being with my friends, i love debating, judging, discussing,   gossiping, observiing, analysing, oh and occasionally listening, to others and discovering life in all its glorious weirdness.

i have recently been more able to step back from life and to observe it - to appreciate what it is doing to me, how its shaping me,

encouraging me, pushing me into clearer and clearer self awareness.

take my acpuncture for 1, if i hadnt done badly at my 1st degree, getting a 2 2 (which in the specialisation i wanted, meant id completely wasted my time)

and had my heart broken, i wouldnt have run off to south korea, and therefore found the wonder that is acupuncture.

i fully intend to use this as a tool to verbalise my thoughts, to allow me complete freedom of expression, I am a self conscious beast in life, and

wouldnt dream of sharing with friends and family all my thoughts - so basically a diary - one that cant be linked to me

so no nasty big brothers (not that i have one) can steel it and share with our peers - much to my humiliation.

i’ve always found peoples thoughts to be interesting, esp when they are essentially observations of the world

take for instance an ’ex’ friend of mine.  we had been essentially best mates for going on 13 years, when and i fully admit randomly i fell for a gal, having previously considered myself strictly a breeder even i was surprised by my turnaround.  Anyway, this ‘friend’ no longer speaks to me, even 2 years on… due to not being able to “follow me down the path i was now taking”.  i was truely takenaback by that comment – what pathwas i heading down?? one of happiness, one of smiles.  the only difference i see between a hetro and homo rel is that of the physical ability to naturally have children – as one who has never wanted children of her own, it seemed bizarre that i was now on a different path.  i would love to talk to her sometime – to find out what she means – how its so different, how she couldnt be happy that i was finally happy.

2 years on, i m no longer with that wonderful, sexy woman who opened my eyes to a WHOLE nother me – one where iv realised i do actually FANCY girls – like actually lust after – not something i ever remember having with guys. but thats not to say i dont enjoy male company, nor is it to say i will never again be with a man

how i feel at the moment is that i fancy girls, but enjoy sex with both – not at the same time mind, not quite got my head round that idea as yet -

what does amaze me – and has lead to many a conversation with my flatmates/friendwho are part of the ‘scene’ is how closed minded they are.  it was always an issue for my ex that i had previously been with guys, she couldnt understandthat i could enjoy her physically as much as i could a man, – i know lesbians with an almost phobia of bisexuals – why does anyone have to categorise their sexuality – surely it is the person one is attracted to, not just their equipment?

i have often been referred to as a ’lipstick lesbian’ because i wear a bit of make up and even a skirt occasionally, im more often mistaken for a ’fag hag’ because

i spend time in the company of gay men

stereotyping/catorgising is an amazing thing, and i know i do it - one of my favorite expressions is a bull dyke, not that id ever use it to someones face

but quite why we need to categorise is what intrigues me - its what keeps me seperate from the whole world.  I look at my friends, aquaintences and colleagues, thinking i dont fit in there - i dont belong

and it can be over something as simple as not liking the same music as them - why i feel that i must like everything my friends like to ’belong’ to that group fancinates and frustrates me.

it leaves me feeling like an outcast, ostracized, alone and unlovable.  however, ask any of my friends, and i have, they seem to think im the life and soul of the party, getting on with anyone and everyone, always busy, always popular.

but i have also been told i seem aloof, distant -  its a funny old world - how i can seem friendly and distant at the same time

it makes me very curious as to what makes me seem distant - i overheard 2 friends talking abut me one day - one of whom i felt i had shared my soul with - saying i was distant and hard to figure out

perhaps when i shared my soul, my darkest secrets with her she thought it was something i shared with everyone - i am aware that i trivialise things cos i dont want pity.

my most recent gf said she saw straight through my bullshit - and i think she did, well at least bits of it - and it scared me, made me run away,

treated her badly, kept her at arms length -

does everyone have problems with trust and commitment  - not necessarily in a sexual relationship, but with all -

i think thats what is my major flaw in life - inability to trust/open up - my homework for tonight is to work on that me thinks

anyhoo

enough ramblings for one sunday evening